Our way OUR WAY

Most autistic and ADHD people I know have walked into an appointment wondering if they'll be too much. You won't be. This page is the long version of that answer.

Many autistic and ADHD people worry they will be "too much" in therapy. You will not be too much here.

A lot of autistic and ADHD people have tried therapy that didn't fit. If that's you, some of this might sound familiar:

• You spent all your energy explaining something hard, and got back "mm-hmm, that sounds difficult."
• You brought a list and never got to it.
• The questions came so fast you couldn't think, and you fell apart once you got home.
• You were told you "don't seem autistic," or that what you said didn't add up.
• You were handed a workbook, or a breathing exercise that made things worse.
• You left more wound up than when you walked in.

Here, we're a team. You lead and I follow. We go where you need to go, as deep as you want to go, one question at a time.

I think of each session as a small walk up a mountain, side by side. We climb, we look around, and we come back down together before you head back into your day. Then we come back again. You're never doing the work alone. More about how I work

Many autistic and ADHD people have had therapy that did not help. Maybe:

• You worked hard to explain something, and the therapist just said "mm-hmm."
• You brought a list, and you never got to read it.
• There were too many questions, too fast.
• You were told you "don't seem autistic."
• You got a workbook or a breathing exercise that did not help.
• You left feeling worse.

Here, we work as a team. You lead and I follow. We talk about what you need to talk about. I ask one question at a time.

I think of each session like a walk up a mountain together. We go up, look around, and come back down together before you leave. Then we come back again next time. You do not do this alone. Read more on the How I Work page.

We do therapy an autistic way. Which means: we start from how your brain actually works, not from how you're "supposed" to be. No forced eye contact, no small-talk warm-up, no "use your words." Infodumping is a valid format; so is silence; so is the sand tray. Direct questions get direct answers. No therapist riddles, no "and what do you think it means?", no reading "how does that make you feel?" off a script while missing the person in front of me. And we land before you leave, because nobody gets sent out the door wound up.

I try to be neuro-humble, a word I borrow from Romy Graichen. I don't assume the neurotypical way is the right way. I stay curious about how your mind works, and we work as equals.

What that looks like

• You don't have to make eye contact. Look at the wall, the sand tray, your hands.
• Take a break whenever you want, mid-sentence included. You don't have to explain.
• If a feelings question leaves you blank, I'll offer choices instead: more like tired, or more like angry? Yes or no is a full answer.
• You can write, type, or draw instead of talking, or build in the sand tray.
• Plain words, no jargon. If I use a metaphor and it doesn't land, tell me.
• Too bright, too loud, too quiet? Tell me and we'll change it. I can dim the lights, or put on white noise, brown noise, ocean waves, whatever you like. Weighted blankets and fidgets are in the room (what's in the room).
• We take time at the end of every session to come down before you head back out.

Take what helps and leave the rest. None of it is required.

And I'll ask you, on the intake form and as we go: "How can I make this experience better for you as a neurodivergent person?" The question comes from Amile Cominotti, who wrote that being asked it could have changed their whole path through therapy. Your answer is allowed to change.

This list comes from a study where 130 autistic adults rated what helped them in therapy. Almost everything on it helped some people and not others, which is why it's a menu, not a rulebook.

We do therapy an autistic way. This means we start with how your brain works. We do not try to make you "normal." You do not have to make eye contact. You can talk a lot about something you love, or say nothing, or use the sand tray. I answer your questions honestly. I talk with you, not just nod. Before you leave, we take time to slow down.

I try to be neuro-humble. This word comes from Romy Graichen. It means I do not think the neurotypical way is the only right way. I stay curious about how your mind works. We work as equals.

What that looks like

• You do not have to look at me.
• You can take a break any time. You do not have to say why.
• If feelings are hard to name, I can give you choices. "Yes" or "no" is a fine answer.
• You can write, type, or draw instead of talking. You can use the sand tray.
• I use plain words. If something I say is confusing, tell me.
• If the room is too bright or too loud or too quiet, tell me. I can make the lights lower. I can play calm sounds, like white noise or ocean waves. There are weighted blankets and fidgets (see the room).
• At the end of each session, we take time to calm down before you leave.

Use what helps you. You do not have to use any of it.

I will also ask you this question, on the intake form and later too: "How can I make this experience better for you as a neurodivergent person?" This question comes from Amile Cominotti. Your answer can change over time.

This list comes from a study. 130 autistic adults said what helped them in therapy. Different things helped different people.

The things other places treat as "too much" or "off topic" are welcome here. Some of them, I'll actively cheer for.

• Hyperfixations. Tell me about the thing: the new dinosaur they just dug up, the band, the movie you've seen eleven times, the code you're writing, the shoes. If the whole session is hyperfixation time, that's a good session. I'm not waiting to steer you back to the "real" stuff. This is the real stuff.
• Rabbit holes. You looked up at 4am after four hours reading about rabbits? Tell me about the rabbits.
• Lists. Bring them. I'll read yours at the start, so the thing you came in with doesn't get lost at minute 48.
• Notes. Take them during the session, on paper or your phone. Bring last week's.
• Infodumping, tangents included. I'll follow you.
• Stimming. Rock, flap, pace, chew, click, hum. It's how your body looks after itself, and it's welcome here.
• Saying it again. If you need to repeat something, or use the same words you always use, go ahead.

Some autistic researchers call this monotropism: attention that pools deep in a few channels instead of spreading thin across many. It isn't a flaw in how you pay attention. It's a different shape of attention.*

Some things other places call "too much" are welcome here.

• Your favourite thing. Dinosaurs, music, movies, coding, anything. You can talk about it the whole session. That still counts as therapy.
• Getting lost in a topic for hours. Tell me what you found.
• Lists. Bring them. I will read your list at the start.
• Notes. You can write things down during the session.
• Talking a lot about one thing. That is fine.
• Stimming. Rocking, flapping, pacing, chewing, humming. All of it is welcome.
• Saying things again. You can repeat yourself.

How many times have you lost your keys this week? No judgement here. Some of what people bring:

• forgetting: what we talked about last week, the thing you meant to bring up, where the keys went (again)
• losing time: an hour that felt like ten minutes, or a whole afternoon that vanished
• forty open tabs, five half-started projects, and the pile on the chair
• knowing exactly what you need to do, and still not being able to start
• being told your whole life to "just" try harder

Do you lose your keys a lot? That is OK here. Some things people talk about:

• forgetting things
• losing track of time
• starting many things and not finishing them
• knowing what to do, but not being able to start
• people telling you to "just try harder"

Nobody hands you the rulebook for how people are supposed to talk, at work, at parties, in the group chat. Then everyone acts surprised when you don't follow it. A lot of autistic people have lost jobs, friendships, and years to rules nobody would say out loud.

Here's the thing: you're not bad at communicating. Autistic and non-autistic people communicate differently, and the misunderstanding runs both ways. Researchers call this the double empathy problem.* Only one side usually gets blamed for it.

Some of what people bring:

• being called "too direct," "too blunt," or "intense"
• not knowing when it's your turn to talk
• small talk, and the meeting after the meeting
• being let go because you weren't "a good fit," with no one able to say why
• replaying a conversation for three days to find what went wrong

There are rules about how people should talk and act. Nobody writes them down. Many autistic people lose jobs and friends because of these rules.

You are not bad at talking to people. Autistic people and non-autistic people talk in different ways. Both sides misunderstand each other. This is called the double empathy problem.*

Some things people talk about:

• being told you are "too direct"
• not knowing when to talk
• small talk
• losing a job and not knowing why
• thinking about a conversation over and over

A lot of autistic and ADHD people were bullied as kids. Not only at school: anywhere there were rules nobody explained, and people who noticed you didn't know them.

• school, the playground, the bus
• at home: siblings, parents, the relative everyone laughed along with
• church, synagogue, mosque, temple, youth group
• teams, clubs, lessons, camp

And it often doesn't stop when you grow up. It just gets quieter and better dressed.

• at work: left off the email, the joke everyone's in on but you, the manager who calls you "difficult"
• in friend groups: the group chat you weren't added to, being the one everyone's a little bit mean to

I know this one from the inside. If any of this is yours, you can bring it here. You won't be told you were too sensitive, or asked what you did to cause it.

Many autistic and ADHD people were bullied as kids. It can happen in many places:

• at school
• at home, by family
• at a place of worship
• on teams, in clubs, or at camp

Bullying can keep happening when you are an adult:

• at work
• with friends

I know what this is like. You can talk about this here. I will not say you were too sensitive. I will not ask what you did to cause it.

Autistic burnout isn't tired. It's more like silent mode for your whole life: months where things you used to manage (talking, cooking, answering email, showing up to work) stop being possible, and the world gets louder and brighter than you can stand. It usually comes after years of masking and pushing through. One autistic adult described it as having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew.* You fall apart, and nobody's coming to pick up the pieces. Here, we do the clean-up together, slowly, at the pace your body allows.

Autistic burnout is not just being tired. You have no energy left, for a long time, sometimes months. Things you could do before, like talking, cooking, or working, get very hard. Noise and light feel too strong. It often comes after years of hiding your autistic self. Here, we go slowly. We start with rest.

Some people go quiet: silent mode, offline, no words left. Some people boil over. Maybe you were shamed for it as a kid: called dramatic or difficult, or punished for something you couldn't stop. It was never a tantrum. It's a nervous system going past its limit, and once it starts, it has to run its course. Neither one is a character flaw, and there's no shame about either in the room.

A lot of the standard tools (breathing, grounding, worksheets) were built for other brains, and for some autistic people they make things worse. So we start with what your body actually does, before, during and after, and build from there.

Some people go quiet and cannot talk. This is called a shutdown. Some people get very upset and cannot stop until it is over. This is called a meltdown. Maybe people were mean to you about it when you were a kid. A meltdown is not a tantrum. It happens when your body and brain go past their limit. Neither one is your fault. There is no shame here about either one.

Breathing exercises and worksheets do not help everyone. Some make it worse. We look at what happens in your body, and we find what helps you.

Many autistic adults know burnout all too well. In one study, autistic adults said that doing things "in an autistic way" and unmasking helped them recover. So here, we follow their lead: this is a place to do things your way, and to unmask as much as feels safe.*

Many autistic adults get burned out. In one study, autistic adults said two things helped them get better: doing things in an autistic way, and unmasking. Unmasking means not hiding who you are. So here, we follow their lead. You can do things your way. You can unmask as much as feels safe.*